Ron Onesti:  The Sport of Show Biz Kings

As I sit here on a plane to a solo-golf-getaway to Arizona, I am beginning to get into my “3-putt zone”.  I just needed a couple of days after 14 months of shutdown, and a whole bunch of craziness soon ahead with the promise of re-opening.  Golf is a source of calm for me, as my “Rock ‘N Roll Fantasy” of a business is quite a bit intense.  Think if Ozzy, Weird Al and the comic Gallagher were all stuck in an elevator for a few hours together.  That is pretty much what is going on inside my head at any given time.

But in this instance of calm, I began to wonder what it would have been like to golf with some of those Hollywood legends that almost came to be identified with the sport as much as they were with show biz!

Part of my daily workout routine is to hit a bucket o’balls at the local public course, then a half hour of putting practice.  You would think I am pretty good with that sort of regimen.  Let’s put it this way, my handicap is the fact that I play the game!  I am far from good, but at least I don’t embarrass myself on the course-very much!

I am the player that goes out to enjoy the outdoors, the “get away from it all” aspect of the game and the camaraderie with guys I play with.  Who I am not is that focused player who hits a regular 300-yarder and gets upset with a bogey.  I loved Bogey on the Silver Screen (especially in Casablanca)  and I love him on the course too (one shot over on ANY hole is a huge win for me)!

I remember a couple of guys that never went anywhere without a club in their hand…Bing Crosby and Bob Hope!  When I think about it now, it seems sort of strange.  Whether it was on a television variety show or USO military Christmas show, those two were always “armed” with a driver, and not the kind behind the wheel of a Jeep!

And they always dressed the part!  Bing always wore that same Stetson hat, the era’s version of khaki pants, and a light sweater.  Hope, always sporting a baseball cap, much of the time in tribute to a branch of the military.

One of my favorite pictures of “The Great One,” Jackie Gleason, is he with his close buddy, golf legend Arnold Palmer (yes the one who mixed lemonade and iced tea together)!  Jackie has a Newsboy hat on and that “…and awayyyyy we go” look on his face.  You gotta be old (like me) to remember that!

Speaking of Gleason and golf, who can forget the timeless “Honeymooners” skit when Ralph is all dressed up in plaid and knickers, and Ed Norton is trying to help him learn how to swing?  Norton reads from the book, “Plant your feet firmly and address the ball.”   Ralph not understanding what is meant, Norton shows him what HE thinks it is.   So Norton planted his feet firmly and said directly to the ball, “Hello Ball!”  It never gets old.

Then there was the “King of Cool,” Dean Martin.  I am lucky to be able to call Dean’s daughter, Deana, my big sister.  And she would regularly talk about her dad and his daily game.  He would never rehearse his television shows, playing eighteen to thirty-six holes during the day instead.  When he was in Vegas, he would try to get out of hanging with Frank all night, just so he could get on the course early the next morning. He loved it.

And who can forget Johnny Carson and his theme song?  It was written by a legend who has become “Uncle Paul” to me-Paul Anka.  Paul told me the story that “Johnny’s Theme” began as a song he wrote earlier in his career.  When Carson contacted his friend Paul to help him write a theme song for his new job taking over for Jack Paar on The Tonight Show, they collaborated and came up with the iconic tune.  He and johnny would make about $200,000 a year each with royalties on the song, and it was played about 1,400,000 times in its thirty-year stint, only to be retired when Johnny called it quits in 1992.  And the song always ended with Johnny’s famous golf swing!

Fast forward to Rock ‘N Rollers who also loved the game.  Probably the most famous rocker/golfer would have to be Alice Cooper.  As we grew up with the devilish demon of death metal from that era, it was hard for us young fans to imagine him in his top hat and snake around his neck on the ninth green.  But the reality is that he satisfied his addictive personality with the sport when he got out of rehab.  He credits the game with saving his life.  Pretty powerful stuff!

Other guys who have frequented The Arcada and also like to bang their balls on a golf course include my close buddy Bret Michaels, Vince Neil of Motley Crue, Robby Kreiger of The Doors, Don Felder of The Eagles, Vince Gill, Stephen Stills, even Dweezil Zappa!  There must be a scientific connection between a guitar and a 5 Iron!

Yes, golf and show biz go hand in hand (with golf gloves on).  It has definitely helped me get through a few select times when my head was about pop off my shoulders!  As I get older, Titleist has gotten as cool as Fender.  And while all this pandemic stuff is going on and we have no ticket sales to speak of, the only green I see these days is the one I see as I am hitting out of the sand trap next to it!